EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
