i would punch a child for taco bell
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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