For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
