Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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