After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just found puke in my bra..
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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