I wish I could teleport
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
