okay pat passed out under dana's car
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
