remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
