I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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