oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
