no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
