I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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