In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
