a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
