Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize