You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My balls are so social today.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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