I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I will be naked everywhere
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
