The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
