Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
