I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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