my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
