I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
