after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
