Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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