I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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