She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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