I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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