some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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