So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
