It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
