Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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