I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
