I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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