Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize