Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
