i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
