just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
