you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
the room spins SO much faster in panama
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
