Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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