I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Randomize
