you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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