I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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