Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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