She is in my trunk
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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