Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Randomize
