I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
