Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
