We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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