After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
