I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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