Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
