im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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