And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I faked an abortion last night.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
