Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
