I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
