I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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