Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
