I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
