Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
