we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
