i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
