I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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